"Where's your ring, Dr. Reaction?" Undergrad sounded startled.
I stammered out a response. Something about blood diamonds and not wanting to support the industry. (Seriously. It's the first thing that came to mind.)
Although N.A. and I are engaged in theory, I don't have a ring. No ring, no wedding date.
I don't have a problem with this...except when I have to explain it to prying students. I'm in no hurry to get married. N.A. and I own a dog and real estate together. Sure, we don't get the tax break for filing as married, but I also don't have to combine our cell phone plans.
Is marriage really all that it's cracked up to be?
22 comments:
I know someone who got a dog as an engagement gift. I know someone who got a hottub.
I never wore mine. It pokes through gloves, and it was uncomfortable.
It's none of their business.
Sure wish I'd gotten something useful! I don't wear my ring the majority of the time - ring off, gloves on, gloves off, where's the damned ring...rinse, repeat. The fiance gets irritated but has no idea what it's like.
( I really hoped I'd get a pony...seriously, an actual horse.)
Wait... Why is an undergrad asking you about a ring?
It depends on whether you enter into it as a legal contract easily nullified or a lifelong commitment made before God and everyone you know.
yea, i would have preferred a horse over the ring. or a dog or a house! half the time i don't wear my ring as i've already knocked a stone out of the setting. plus it seems a bit silly when you are tromping around doing field work with undergrads and working on boats to be wearing an expensive piece of jewelry on your hands (that are notoriously beat up from the abuse they take/ work they do)
seems like said undergrad has some notions/ stereotype of what an engagement is supposed to look like or be.
Boyfriend and I have never felt the need to register our relationship with any government. It would not feel right claiming government perks while that option is being denied to our neighbors (who have also been together over 8 yrs!).
I am not into all that dressing up and being the center of attention for a day. On top of that both of us have family politics to content with, which would make it impossible to have both sides of our respective families to be together without open warfare. Thankfully we do not have any gods that require appeasing in such a manner.
Alarm bells should be going off in your head if a student is making inquires about your marital status. I have a solid silver ring, and if anyone asks what it is I explain that it is a protection ring. Protection because it looks like a wedding band and keeps the most cumbersome lechers at bay.
My students know that I got married recently. (I went to the wedding straight form class and couldn't avoid mentioning that.) So "where is the ring?" questions started as soon as word got out. I usually wear many rings on all fingers (it's my personal style), and students are dying to figure out which ring is THE ring.
Thankfully, I teach Spanish and thus can deflect any question I don't like with "So, how do we say wedding band/engagement ring/diamond/gold/silver in Spanish?" Eventually, the students tire of being quizzed and leave me in peace. :-)
I recently got married, partially because we wanted to celebrate our decision to stay together and partially because if we move around (which we intend to do) it's easier to get permission to bring your partner if you're married.
Of course, we've only been married for 3 weeks, but I think we started as we mean to go on ;) meaning my partner is now at a conference and I'm working on finishing my PhD.
I can't say I much had a choice- my husband needed a green card, and that didn't come without legal commitment. :) That being said, we would have gotten married anyway. Going on 3 years and not sure if it's all that- we are happy but I think it just depends on what your definition of "commitment" is. Don't worry about it, and don't be pressured by societal conventions.
As for the ring, you could totally get a fake one. I have a lab-simulated diamond (1 carat = $300), and a good friend of mine has a clear gemstone (forget what it's called). I've also known some people to get sapphires, emeralds, or whatever strikes their fancy.
ahh... the famous "why aren't you conforming to what many people think is 'the way to go' ". Never mind this others. That said, I get that it bothers you (it bothers me when people ask since I don't have a ring).
Hope it gets better ;) And that you can find some good answers. Please let me know when you find a good "well, I never thought the value of my relationship was in a ring".
As for the commitment. I felt very different standing in front of God and my family and friends making a vow and promise. That said, it was nice to say "my husband" but mostly probably because "people" think it is worth more to be married than "just together".... it's not easy all the time... true commitment doesn't have to do with legal words or rings on finger - after all, many people with all that have broken up and gotten cheated on so.... never mind the outwards things and focus on what you and SO make important.
/sappy
Is marriage really all that it's cracked up to be?
That depends on what you expect from it. Mr. Chemist & I have been married for 5 years now and it was the right decision for us. Like I thought someone already mentioned being married makes moving around together easier, but if that isn't an issue for you then it doesn't matter. It's a personal decision between you and NA, and nothing more. Neither of my parents wear their wedding rings, they never have. Like I said, it's a personal decision and don't let anyone try to influence that.
Marriage is what you make of it. It's not easy, but neither are relationships. People may perceive you differently, but other than that my day to day changed very little. Adding children into the mix changes everything all together.
Side note: we never combined our cell phone plans :)
Tell the nosy undergrad that it's not their business and don't let it bother you. Ultimately you and NA should do what's right for you. For Mr. Chemist & I that was a wedding and a ring and the whole thing, but that was our preference.
You can wear a ring without being engaged/married, and be e/m without a ring. Both are down to your personal preference, although in certain situations legal commitment does have advantages (visa, insurance coverage for fertility treatments, and other more and less exotic issues).
I'm happy we got married, but a relationship isn't less work because of that. But either way, it's nobody's business and certainly not your students's.
It's hardly untoward for people you know to have an interest in such things and to, like, make friendly, interested conversation.? It's hardly that much of a burden to deflect a particular subject if so desired - or if preferring for people not to give a damn about you at all; just having them punch the PC card however you choose to prescribe.
I wear a ring on my left ring finger. It's a (very meaningful) present from my mom, it fits this finger better, and it looks good there. People sometime ask whether it's an engagement ring. Well, no. If I want to mess with them I add that the ring I wear on my right ring finger is an engagement ring. My great-grand-mother's.
Anyway, I don't think you have to justify yourself for not wearing an engagement ring. "This is none of your business" is a perfectly acceptable answer to the question, I believe.
I must add that my main reason for not wanting to get married is that I don't think that a relationship is anybody's business except for the people who are in it.
(I might end up married for administrative/tax reasons though, and that saddens me a little.)
Eh, I'm actually legally married, and your non-ring, non-date engagement seems more legitimate than mine.
We live in different states, have no pets, and have no real estate. We also don't get the tax break for filing as married, since we work in different states, both of which only allow you to file as married if the spouse also resides in that state.
I do have the rings... but frankly, I'd rather have the other stuff instead.
Being married simplifies the legaleese, period. Other than that, I don't think it has changed our relationship any, just how others view it. If your relationship works for you, who cares what some nosy undergrad thinks?
We've been married 3 years and I love it. It isn't so much about the legal bit, but for me making a permanent commitment in front of my family was important. I know there are no guarantees in life (one of my friends just got divorced!) but I enjoy sharing my everyday life w/ my husband and he has been very supportive of the last few stressful months.
IF you like diamonds you can get green ones from Canada. If you don't like them get whatever you want. Maybe from the artist off etsy... but that's my dream. One of my friend's from the lab that was a MD/PHD in med school had her husband get her a engagement ring that had a low setting so it would be easy to wear with gloves.
I feel that people always want to have you figured out. Why are you single? How long have you and your bf been together? When are you going to get married? Ohh that me see your engagement ring so I can judge you and your fiance ;). Usually those are the people that don't matter to your long term happiness.
I didn't want an engagement ring for the reasons many mentioned here. That is until my mother in law gifted us with the diamond from her engagement ring. I was truly honored that my in laws thought so much of me and our relationship to give us something so meaningful and it meant the world to her that we had it set in a ring (though they presented it in a necklace). I think about our new, merged family every time I wear it. I got to choose the setting and it is low and well protected for lab work. That said, I don't wear it when I'm in the field as it would be a problem in that setting. I made sure the setting was something I could wear my chosen wedding band without though and I never take that off. DH also wears his always. The ring is not the important part of course, but I do appreciate having a bit of my SO with me when he's not. I have to say, we didn't feel very strongly about getting married but the intimate (3-day long) party we threw for our nuptials was an amazing experience and helped us become part of each other's families. The photos from that weekend are some of my greatest treasures as they capture the pure joy of the whole event and some incredibly intimate family moments. Marriage itself changes the way people react to you more than I could ever have realized which has actually been really important in many work circumstances and has given us some breathing room there.
It might be worth remembering that students are curious young people (to generalize), often encountering new cultures and ways of doing things. You don't *always* have to be an educator, but it's an option. Maybe this student isn't judging you but is thinking, I've never met anyone that wasn't all about the ring! Wow, I think Dr. Reaction is really cool and if she's not all about the ring... maybe I don't have to be either?! How liberating!
Just be who you are. Maybe there's no need to be defensive. Maybe this will change, in a tiny way, how this kid thinks about diamonds, rings, marriage, relationships. Maybe that's good!
Geeka, I hadn't thought about gloves being an issue. I already have a dog, but I don't yet have a hottub....
Lost academic: That's pretty funny. I suppose N.A. will get pissy if I don't wear his investment.
Oh, O.A.... what DON'T they ask me these days?
David: To be honest, we aren't really sure how religious we want to make it, since we are both still figuring out what religion we are.
Lisa: I was never the pony-desiring type. I really don't like animals at all, except for my own.
Dr. Girlfriend, that is certainly one of the reasons that we haven't pushed for a wedding date. Oh and in regards to the undergrad.....ew.
Clarrisa: what a great way to deflect the questions!
FAW: The switching job issue is definitely quickly becoming a factor.
Candid engineer, no green card issues here. I always thought that lab created diamonds were odd, but the more I read about how diamonds are mined, the more I think they are a good idea.
Chall, excellent points, as usual. I'll let you know when I find a good one.
Mrs. Chemist: Glad to hear of another couple who hasn't combined cell phone plans!
Amelie, yes, they are a LOT of work, aren't they?
Anon#3: I was bothered; just surprised.
KK, I've often thought about buying myself a right-hand ring.. .just have something pretty. If we have kids, I want to be married. I guess it's society's "don't have a kid out of wedlock" message that's bugging me.
EtBr, I didn't realize that you would be filing separately! What a strange rule. I still maintain that you are a rock star. I don't know how you do what you do.
ScienceGirl: Yeah, it's not like nosy undergrads go away....
B, I'm not sure I need my family to see it, but I'm not sure I want them completely out of it, either.
Jody, I do like green! Etsy has really grown on me, but I'm not sure my selection would stand the test of time.
Anon#1: we might have a situation like that, with a gifted diamond. We just aren't sure what we want to do with it. Good point about the low setting, too.
Anon#2, while I'd like to think that....
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