To be completely honest, I've been having a bit of a mid-tenure crisis this semester. My attempts at seeking balance have crashed and burned. I need some separation of work and life.
I know this is a common question, but my current state of affairs requires it:
How do you meet people outside of academia if church is not an option?
I know this brings me to a whole new level of pathetic, but why couldn't there be a friendmatch.com? Or a matchmaking club for friendships?
23 comments:
Are there meetup groups in your area?
Meetup.com These have been great for connecting with new people with similar interests, some of whom have become great friends.
Or sports - but those are circular, you need to know people to be part of a team to meet people...
I don't know of any eharmony for friends, but there are a lot of organizations/clubs/activities for an interest, and you could meet people there.
How do you feel about community service clubs?
Kiwanis
Rotary
Lions Club
Or you can work directly with organizations...
for the record, even when church IS an option, or even a "given," it doesn't necessarily work (no one does anything together outside of church with the exception of one baby shower)...
So I shall be keeping an eye on this...
A friend at a conference last week was telling me of some kind of meetup site, but I don't remember the name of it (and will have to get it from her again)
No idea. If you find a good answer, let me know. These days, my 11-year-old son gets the majority of phone calls in our house.
But I had a post recently on the same issue and there were some nice comments. For what it's worth, it looks like many academics are pretty lonely.
You do it through common interests, which are frequently work-related, but can also include things like hobbies, sports, etc. Another way is to have a spouse/partner who is not an academic.
Maybe try signing up for an adult-education class (cooking, photography, or whatever you're interested in). Usually people sign up as individuals, and you would have at least one thing in common with them off the bat.
The best ways I have found are through book clubs on Craigslist (some meet pretty rarely so there is time to actually read the book even if you are busy) and group sports. You don't always need to join a team already in existence - all the leagues I play with allow you to sign up as an individual and are added to a team. We've made some fun friends who have randomly been added to our team this way!
I also have a friend who is involved in Yelp meetups where they try and review new bars and restaurants and he always has a great time.
I've definitely seen posts like this before, including at my blog. My social situation has improved over the last couple of years. One reason is that I"m in a book club. I don't hang out with those women outside of book club all that often, but having one group of people who have nothign to do with work or EGM is really great. Another reason is simply time. We've been around the same people long enough that we've developed real relationships with them. And the last reason is proximity. Moving to a more central location made a big difference to our social life.
I think a more general bit of advice (that I find very difficult to implement) is that you just have to suck it up and invite people to do things. If you join a sports team or cooking class or whatever, you still have to find a way to extend those interactions passed the activity if they are going to turn into friendships. I'm feeling really proud of myself right now because we're having someone from book club over for dinner tonight, after two years of thinking she would be cool to hang out with. I finally had a good excuse to do it (she needs some advice about an unusual situation I just experienced) and I think she was happy I did. But I could have so easily let the opportunity go by.
Craig's List also has a groups page.
Semi-serious question, are you trying to meet people outside of academia specifically?
My new answer is Crossfit. It's keeping me sane through the post-orals burnout!
I had great friends before moving to TT city in the Midwest (from overseas). I keep trying to figure out why it has been so hard to make friends here. I thought it was my social ineptitude or the odd-to-me segregation of the city or the difficulty of being a young single female accustomed to having mainly male friends (I am an engineer) now finding it hard to find men interested in opposite-sex friendships or maybe just the demands of the job tiring me out to the point when I can't be bothered to get out in the evening/weekends... Glad to hear it's not just me finding this hard. 4 years in this city, and I still feel no connection.
I met people through church sort of... but I would agree with the person in the ocmments saying that even if it is an options, there isn't much to be done outside of church.
That said, my book club through church is very non-religious and a nice time with grown ups not being in Academia. Then my gym time, in a class wih ppl is a place I've actually met some people I like hanging out with. It felt very awkward the first few times but going for drinks after work out or lunch or a run (something related to the gym) first to see if they were nice.. if you're looking for more "easy get togethers and nice dinner company for you and NA?"
One thing I have noticed though, but maybe that's just me?, it's a big effort and takes time and energy ;)
If you work out how, I will be very interested to find out!
We've made a lot of friends through our kids, oddly enough. Just meeting other parents at the playground, or after school or simply after seeing them over and over at "child centered" events you start developing adult relationships that go beyond child-rearing discussions. And then you start doing things without your kids, like going out for drinks or whatever.
NatC: Good suggestion. I hadn't checked, but you've given me a few ideas.
THR: For some reason I associate those organizations with really REALLY old people. Are these places for the under 35, too?
Anon, is it what NatC suggested?
GMP: Ah, yes, I *thought* you had posted on it.... and really, although I had contemplated bringing a child into the mix for the social factor (um, kidding!).
CPP: Oh, darlin'...you *know* I am hobby-less. Although, you're about four years too late on the non-academic point.
Truth be told, this post was not just for me....
Alyssa: I actually hadn't thought of that. I will certainly ponder. 'Round here, summer classes are already underway, but I should really think about that for the fall.
TSS (great name, btw), I am reeaaaally not the sports playing type. NA is, however, so I will keep an eye out for him. (Reviewing bars is much more my style!! I will check yelp out)
EGF: great points (not that I am surprised, coming from you.).... time is definitely something that is a factor here.... but I think part of our frustration is that is *has* been two years.
Bashir: Yes.
Psi*psi, I am going to have to google this crossfit of which you speak...erm....type.
Anon: I think opposite-sex friendships become tricker as we enter our 30s. ...but that is a whole 'nother post.
Chall: the time/energy combo has definitely been a huge factor.
JaneB: Oh, I will be sure to let you all know! Be sure to check back for more awesome comments...these are great ideas!
Namnezia: I definitely believe that... I only know a handful of other couples my age that don't have kids, and I actually think that not having kids does exclude us from many potential social options.
While those particular organizations tend to be on the older side, they have young professionals versions that are affiliated . Here's an example:
http://caypkiwanis.weebly.com/
I TOTALLY hear you about the lack of options for nonreligious, childless academics.
There IS a matchmaking site that lets you look for friends as well as dates, and I've met someone in my small town this way (although unfortunately she decided to leave her position here and go back to a national lab). It's free, and it's called OKCupid. Don't let the name put you off too much.
I've also made friends by starting my own book club (technically a Social Readers Circle) and by advertising on our institution's electronic bulletin for board game buddies.
I understand not wanting to do the team thing but would you consider giving running a try? Runners clubs tend to have friendly people with a mixture of ages, professions, etc.. If I had time that is definitely what I'd do to meet some people outside of my department. (Plus there are health benefits.) I met two potential friends in my neighborhood because I happened to move into an area where the people organize neighborhood block parties, "Ladies' Nights Out" (which I forced myself to go to), etc.. But I don't think this kind of thing happens most places.
I hang out on a non-academic website where I use a pseudonym to discuss some matters of common interest. I've made great friends through the site and have met some of them in person (this meant breaking anonymity, of course). In fact, I'm traveling right now and crashing on the couch of one of the people from the site. So, reach out to your intertubez friends.
Well, you ARE too young for the "red hat" society.
Speaking from the perspective of my city, it could be that you just don't connect much with the part of the community that is involved in service organizations. For example, in larger cities there might be several Kiwanis groups for different age groups.
I have two suggestions. One, track down the local Chamber of Commerce and see the list they probably have to help promote the town to new businesses. Two, visit some Realtors who are around your age and ask them what civic groups they belong to or might recommend.
Seeding friendships has never really been a problem for me. Cultivating them is where I fail big time!
I do enjoy my alone time when I am not busy, which leaves little time to tend the needs of friends. It takes a good friend to tolerate gross neglect and a new friend is unlikely to put up with my flakiness. In fact most of my friendships developed through living, working, or studying in close proximity when little effort had to be made to find time to hangout.
If it were not for my SO I would not have any social contact right now. I really should make more of an effort to make my own friends here, but guess I have commitment issues when it comes to friendships. Besides, my friends tend to start of being fun and end up being extremely needy and a little bit selfish.
Sorry that is no help! Still it's nice to know that I am not alone when it comes to friendship issues.
I found it hard when I first moved to the US for a postdoc too, despite being a postdoc where there are at least some social activities with that group. I did quite a lot of outside-academia activities during grad school, and I've gradually managed to find substitutes here which help keep my sanity. Through these, I've met some very neat new people, who I'd push myself to try to make deeper friendships with if I weren't here for only a short postdoc. Ah, academia! Still, hopefully this list will be of some help, particularly for those in more permanent positions;
'Friends of' X park / nature reserve. There seems to be a group like this around every major greenspace here -the group I'm with gets together weekly for weeding out invasive species (very satisfying!), planting native species in their place, and occasionally other nature-related activities. It's drop-in, so you're not required to go every week, and there is always something to do if you're not in a mindset to start up a conversation. I've noticed even the large cemetery nearby has a similar program, as well as a monument preservation group, for those of a more historical bent.
Folk dancing. I'm with (two!) English Country Dance groups (think the dance style in Jane Austen movies), but I understand Scottish Country, Contra, Scandanavian, and International Folk operate similarly (probably other types too). The nice thing is you don't go to lessons to learn, you just join a group that has weekly dances. It's a bit of a learning curve, and some groups are better than others with beginners, but everywhere I've been (I started this in grad school) were extremely welcoming to newcomers. A major advantage over the standard dance class is that you're not expected to come with a partner; in fact, everyone is supposed to change partners after every dance, and if the genders aren't balanced, people are usually game to dance the other gender's part. Changing partners every dance means you at least superficially get introduced to a good number of people quite quickly, making it easier to introduce yourself to new people during the snack break. Since these aren't official lessons, you can drop in only on weeks that suit you. There are also usually one or more fancy balls organized per year, where you have the chance to dress up in awesome costumes for the dancing.
Outdoors club. During grad school, my boyfriend was a member of an outdoor expedition group affiliated with our university. This particular group was quite open to non-students, and seemed to have lots of interesting hikes / camps / mountaineering / other adventures planned, and seemed to be drop-in for the particular event.
As others have suggested, there are also bound to be a variety of volunteer groups who are always happy to have more help, if you can find one which meshes well with your interests.
Good luck!
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