If you don't want to know the real answer....

Occasionally I get asked if I think I'm treated differently because I am a women.

When I reply in the affirmative, my questioner nearly always (we're going 11 for 12....and counting) gets extremely defensive.

Dude.  ('cause it always is.)   If you don't want to know the really answer, then DON'T ASK.   BAH!!!

Spreading the good word of SCIENCE!

So far this semester, my Saturday morning coffee+grading has been interrupted FOUR TIMES by door bell-ringing Mormons, Jehovah's Witnesses, and various other evangelicals.  (I'm counting the newspaper guy, too.)

I've decided it is time to return the favor.  Who's with me to spread a little bit of science?  Anyone want to draft up a pamphlet to help preach the good word of science?

"It's not for women."

I hear that more frequently than my male coworkers would like to admit.  Perhaps that's why I don't find the new commercial for Dr. Pepper 10 very funny.




Call me humorless.  That's fine.  But let's keep in mind that I hear (at least several times a month) "oh, there's no boy's club..."   If you have to insist that something DOESN'T exist.....  well, I'll let you just finish that one.

When your reputation precedes you

Once you get a reputation as a bad teacher, is there any way to change it?  Or are students always going to write you off from the beginning?

I have a colleague who has quite the reputation for being rude to students, unapproachable during office hours, and disorganized in the classroom. Students complain to me about him all the time (I just put on my I-support-my-colleagues face).  His ratemyprofessor is full of student rants and, truth be told, some fairly logical, well-supported complaints.  Students start the semester knowing his reputation, and I wonder if that fact alone is the biggest contributor to their low opinion of him-- not his actual actions in the classroom.

So is a frowny face on ratemyprofessor too much to overcome?  Are there any strategies that professors can employ to turn around a reputation?

Touch screens completely ick me out

I don't care how cool iPhones look.  Touch screens are gross.  They show all my grimy fingerprints, and they make me feel like I have giant, stubby fingers.


(It's been one of those kind of days.)

Did you check your bra today?

I ask women that (in my head, of course) multiple times a day.


A student comes to office hours in a thin, white top and dark bra.

A departmental secretary... um.... doesn't have enough coverage.  And it is cold.

A colleague sits at a meeting with her oxford shirt gaping in between buttons, revealing.....um....everything.


Why is it so hard to check the state of one's undergarments in the morning?

The machine or instrument that must DIE!

Over the years, I have had many an instrument or machine nemesis.  My aging laptop, the ornery HPLC, the $^&*# fax machine..... the list can go on.

And now?

The photocopier must DIE.




What would YOU most like to take out to a field and beat with a baseball bat?

Smoking confession

I think less of students who smoke.  I don't understand why, in this day of Febreeze and good ventilation, that they drag themselves into class smelling of ashtrays.


I am puzzled by why my colleagues, who have advanced degrees and supposedly know better, maintain such a disgusting habit.  Why must you sit next to me at faculty meeting?  I don't even have to deal with such smells at bars anymore.  Can't I ban smoking at school, too?


Yes, I judge you for your cancer stick puffing.  Slap a patch on it already.

PSA: Don't status update your job interviews

Like, srsly.

I have watched many a grad student or postdoc inform all of their Facebook acquaintances the status of their job search.  The academic world is small, my friends.  Privacy settings or not, what the hell are these people thinking?

I used to message these "friends" of mine to point out the error of their ways, but I've since given up.  Besides, it can be somewhat entertaining, particularly when you suspect that two of your FB friends are dueling for the same positions.



Some keep it vague: "I've got my first interview!"

Others feel compelled to list locations: "Goin' to the midwest and then the east coast for interviews.  In ONE WEEK!  What what!"

A few on my list name the actual schools.  That turned them down.  "Guess PrestigiousU is going to be missing out on one AMAZING prof this fall.  Losers."



What.  The.  Facebook.

'Twas the night before the exam...

It's less than twelve hours until the exam.

I shouldn't have checked my email.  It's the end of the semester; my blood pressure just can't handle it.



Prof. Reaction,


I'm sick so I can't take the exam tomorrow.  When can I re-take it?  I think I will feel better by Thursday.


Undergrad



I did what I suspect many of you would have done:  I logged out of my email, shut my laptop, and poured myself another glass of wine.


Cheers to the end of another semester!

You won't like all of your students

Perhaps this isn't shocking to you.

But when I was first told this at my first faculty orientation meeting, I was doubtful.  Sure, I had experienced unpleasant moments with students in the past, but I certainly didn't dislike any of them.  I am completely objective!  How could I dislike my students?  I will be the picture perfect fair and balanced professor.  I want to teach!  I live for teaching!  I will adore all of my students, and they will adore me!!


Ha.


Fast forward a few semesters.

Call me Professor Cranky, but there are several students that hang around the science complex that I just don't like.  The funny thing is that none of them are currently in my classes.  I guess that is fortunate.

I have no doubts that if I were to have some of these "special personalities" in a future class that I would be completely objective.  But I certainly won't complain if some of these kids hurry up and graduate.

I judge you by your science

I just un-friended someone on Facebook because they posted some really bad science on their wall.




What type of bad science would cause YOU to un-friend someone?

Reality TV mirrors a committee meeting!

I'm on a committee this year that is tasked with implementing a very, very big change for the entire college. There are lots of...um....strong personalities on this committee.

As a junior faculty member, I constantly hear "be seen but not heard!" The way this committee is set up, however, requires that I participate. The trouble is that there is this one committee member (who happens to be male) who is loud, opinionated, and somehow always gets his way. You might even call him a bully.

Man, do I need to borrow Tim Gunn for a day (or at least a morning).

How do you get your voice heard (so to speak) during committee work? Should The Untenured (dum dum DU-UUUUM!) be a silent group, or do you expect your junior faculty to voice their opinions?

If I hear the bing! from one more text....

...I am going to shove this pipet into my eye socket. After removing my safety glasses, of course.

All day long I have the "opportunity" to hear the distinct trilling of cell phones when a text is received. Students receive them during lab. I hear them going off in other classrooms. Even my colleagues are in on the texting action-- I can hear one faculty's phone from 8 doors down!

My research students learned by the second text to keep their phone away while in lab. Unfortunately, I can't run around, grabbing cell phones out of hands and pockets. That would be weird. And assault, probably.



Why do people need to be notified of text messages all damn day? And why are the notification sounds so annoying? When did email stop being instant enough?

Bathroom bacon

Today the women's bathroom smelled like bacon.

What the pork?

I know that you probably won't believe me, but I actually don't like bacon. I don't care for the flavor. The smell makes me feel ill (and not just because it reminds me of LargeU undergrads).

I suppose the bathroom could smell worse... but hopefully tomorrow's potty visits will be swine free.

An open letter to the Precious Little Snowflake

Dear PLS,

Why do you sing in the lab and hallway? Normally, I would ask if you need more attention.

But you are a Precious, Little Snowflake....so surely that cannot be the case.

Signed,

Dr. Reaction

P.S. Shaddup! Thanks.

Should I have to get used to this?

Where do you draw the line when it comes to desiring the truth? Do you expect your coworkers to be truthful? Your dean? Your significant other?

I am so filled with rage right now that it is difficult to process anything--- food, thoughts, conversations...you name it. Disappointment oozes out of every pore.

There's not a whole lot to talk about. I was lied to to my face. I was the one deceived. And now I'm the unreasonable one?

Sigh. It's times like these that I'm glad my summer class is about to start. Research alone is not enough to distract me.

The World Cup is Wack

Every four years, they come out of the woodwork: fair weather football fans.

It's just like when your regional baseball team makes it to the playoffs and suddenly everyone is a fan... only fair weather soccer fans are 204 times more annoying, mostly because the Cup goes on for so damn long.

Stop quoting scores and bitching about unfair penalties. Stop trying to convince others that you are the BIGGEST SOCCER FAN EVAH!! Please stop complaining about the effin' vuvuzelas.

Seriously, just STFU and get back to work already.

Please put on some clothes

I don't understand it. As the temperatures rise, the air conditioning in the building blasts. I wear fleece jackets to the classroom. My fingernails turn blue. I drink tea.

Do my students bundle up?

Heck, no.

The guys sport shorts and flip flops.

The girls? Oh, good lord. What would you wear in a 62 degree classroom? Why, a skimpy tank top and a short skirt, obviously....right?



No wonder they can't seem to make it through one of my exams-- they spend too much energy shivering more than a chihuahua!

It's not really urgent

I'm not sure there is anything more pretentious than marking an email as High Importance. I am not any more inclined to read a red-flagged email than one that isn't MARKED WITH EXCLAMATION POINTS.

Actually, there is something email-related that is more pretentious: requests for receipts of email. Does anyone else get these? One of the dean's secretaries ALWAYS put one of these on emails she sends out. After I open the email, Outlook pops open a request for permission to send back a receipt of reading. Ummm.... no. I always click no. If people are concerned that I read an email, why not request IN THE EMAIL that I acknowledge reading it?

The funny thing is that usually these requests are attached to emails that clearly aren't urgent. Things like regalia order requests. Or lab report questions. Or fall book orders.

What do I consider topics worthy of the red flag? Notifications of free food. Or booze. Or cancellations of classes. Yup, that's all I can think of right now.


(By all means feel free to explain to me why URGENT! is an important feature for emails.)