You must not have gone to a public school!

...or so sayeth the CNN news anchor.

A guest came on the show to do a bit about NYE celebrations around the world.  At the end of the segment, the guest told the host some New Year's greetings in several different languages.

The anchor's response?

"Wow.  You must not have gone to a public school like me! I don't know any of those languages."

UR 2011 in Review!!

Another year in the books.  It's time for my favorite meme!   (If you are looking for something to do, here is 2010, 2009, and 2008.)



1. UR 2010 in Review!!!  What a year!


2. Choose your own adventure.  Have you ever woken up from recalling a vivid dream and then had it stick with you ALL. DAY. LONG?


3. What will we lock up next?  Today, driving around Conference City, I saw a car with a padlocked gas tank.


4. The machine or instrument that must DIE!  Over the years, I have had many an instrument or machine nemesis.


5. Kids vs. dogs (or kid owners vs. dog owners).  It occurred to me the other day that I have never seen a puppy sonogram posted as a facebook profile picture.


6. Chicken vs. eggs.  I've been in a documentary state of mind.


7. Magic numbers.  People say that three's a crowd, it takes two to tango, and one is the loneliest number.


8.  At-bat songs for professors.  Unfortunately, I've been watching a lot of baseball lately.


9. A message to all the new professors.  It gets better.


10. Sorry that I don't have kids.  I've recently become quite the broken record.


11. Grants require blood, sweat, and tears....and more blood?  No, really.


12. Do faculty need more vacation time?  When you are a professor at a PUI, you are constantly giving giving giving of yourself to your students.






I hope you can all look back on your OWN 2011 and think of it fondly.  What a year!

Christmas is the new Halloween!!

Adventures in Ethics and Science has a hilarious re-post of a child's story about what happens when mice go Christmas caroling.  (Semi-spoiler: It doesn't end well.)

The last bits of the post include

"Reading between the lines, I'd have to say the very best thing to do if you see or hear caroling mice approaching your door would be to kill the lights and call animal control." 

Hmmm.... that sounds an awful lot  like what I do during Halloween.  Well, at least the killing the lights part.  (Calling animal control on some of the particularly wild ones is just something I dream about doing.)

There are lots of other similarities between these holidays.  Behold!

Both freak out the religious.  Anyone else grow up having to call school halloween parties "harvest fests"?  And if I have to see one more Jesus cake.....

You wear weird shit to celebrate them.  Wearing bell jewelry of any kind should be outlawed.  Ditto the memo on slutty kitty costumes.  From holiday sweaters to dressing up like Dexter, you really do have to wear some weird crap to proclaim your allegiance to the christmas/halloween spirit.

The tackier the exterior of the house, the better.  Or at least I *think* that's what my neighbors are going for with their 12 foot, inflatable spider.  Or those damn inflatable snow globes.  Or anything in an animal shape that lights up.

You give away stuff to people because it is expected.  Do I really need to spend forty bucks on candy for non-neighborhood thirteen-year-olds?  Sure, unless I want my house egged.  Do I really want to give my surly coworker a holiday mug filled with chocolate-covered espresso beans?  Not really, but I'd like to avoid any 2012 drama.

You get a free pass on exceeding your daily sugar intake.  (I don't think this one needs explanation, which is good because my fourth truffle has just entered my bloodstream.  Pardon me as I lapse into a diabetic coma.)



How else is Christmas like Halloween?

My winter break gift to you

I know that, ever since receiving my gift last year, you've anxiously awaited this year's shiny box.

And here it is...all wrapped up and virtually topped with a green-and-red bow:




Happy holidays!!  (You've probably seen this ages ago, but I think it is hilarious to re-visit it!)

If I were a holiday decoration...

...then right now, I'd be one of those deflated snowmen that you find in the morning on your lawn.  You know, one of those fifty-dollar inflatables that fall victim to the elements overnight.

The late nights that come with the end-of-the-semester push have finally caught up to me.  Hopefully, after a few eight hour nights, I'll be back to my usual, inflated self.



What seasonal decor best describes how you feel right now (or wish you felt)?

Do faculty need more vacation time?

When you are a professor at a PUI, you are constantly giving giving giving of yourself to your students.  It's the best job in the world, but, particularly for introverts like me, by the end of the semester you can feel like you've been sucked dry.

Some of my PUI friends get five weeks off for winter break.  I know a few that barely get two weeks.

Winter break is important.  You need to rest.  Get recharged.  Brace yourself for the spring semester.



Is there such a thing as too much winter break?  ....and what is the humane lower limit for time off of school?

If you don't want to know the real answer....

Occasionally I get asked if I think I'm treated differently because I am a women.

When I reply in the affirmative, my questioner nearly always (we're going 11 for 12....and counting) gets extremely defensive.

Dude.  ('cause it always is.)   If you don't want to know the really answer, then DON'T ASK.   BAH!!!

Grants require blood, sweat, and tears....and more blood?

No, really.

At 3 am some day early last week, I was working on a draft of my latest grant.  I was editing by hand at a fairly good pace (especially given the hour) when a spot on the paper made me pause.

Hmmm...  I peered at the reddish pink ink smudge.   I wiped at it with my forefinger, but I only smudged it worse.  Another spot on my grant smeared in a similar fashion.

I turned my palm over to see if ink was on my hand (although I was marking in blue ink, not in red).  That's when I realized I had a fairly nasty paper cut that was slowly but methodically dripping blood onto my grant.

Brings a whole new meeting to bleeding for your work, huh?

Overheard in lecture...

When I'm setting up for lecture, I generally tune out the pre-bell banter.  This week, I picked the following gem out of the overall buzz:


"Hey, Student!  Why aren't you my facebook friend anymore?"

"Oh, I didn't unfriend you."

"What happened then?"

"I deactivated my Facebook account until after Dr. Reaction's test."



Such dedication to my class!

Spreading the good word of SCIENCE!

So far this semester, my Saturday morning coffee+grading has been interrupted FOUR TIMES by door bell-ringing Mormons, Jehovah's Witnesses, and various other evangelicals.  (I'm counting the newspaper guy, too.)

I've decided it is time to return the favor.  Who's with me to spread a little bit of science?  Anyone want to draft up a pamphlet to help preach the good word of science?

Food for (a grad student's) thought

Apparently peanut butter prices are about to go through the fuckin' roof.


But what will grad students eat?  Sure, it's all caviar and champagne for me now that I'm a high-paid PUI prof (ha), but I can still remember my PB&J days.

"It's not for women."

I hear that more frequently than my male coworkers would like to admit.  Perhaps that's why I don't find the new commercial for Dr. Pepper 10 very funny.




Call me humorless.  That's fine.  But let's keep in mind that I hear (at least several times a month) "oh, there's no boy's club..."   If you have to insist that something DOESN'T exist.....  well, I'll let you just finish that one.

The Invincible Professor?

I've ben very productive lately.  My to-do lists are almost empty each night.  I am caught up on grading.  I don't have to frantically prep lectures up until the minute the bell rings.

Yes, I've been very productive lately.


I also have only been getting five hours of sleep each night.


Well, all good things must come to an end.  Yesterday morning I was reminded what happens when I go for several weeks without more than 6 h / night.  No, I'm not referring to my increased caffeine deficiency (true), higher sugar requirements (true), or the disturbingly dark pouches under my eyes (also true).  
By far the worst side effect is my depressed immune system.  And in this case, my depressed immune system has fallen victim to a bit of a nasty cold.

Apparently, I'm not invincible after all.  (Shhhh.... don't tell my students!)

Can you hate your spouse?

"There are moments where I really dislike my husband," my friend mused over lunch.

"I might even hate him in the moment.   But I still love him.  Is this going to work?"


Well, what do you think?  Are relationships supposed to be smooth sailing, or can the captain sometimes hate his first mate?

Sorry that I don't have kids...

I've recently become quite the broken record.  I didn't mean for it to happen.

Usually it starts with a coworker or friend (or both??) asking me if I had a relaxing weekend.  These days, my response is some variation of the following:  "It was good, but really busy.  I had ____ to grade and ____ to prep, and the dog got me up early."

If the coworker/friend that I am talking with has kids, I *always* follow up with my No-Kids Disclaimer.

You don't know the NKD?  It goes something like this (and always veryveryfast):

I mean, I shouldn't complain 'cause it's not like I have kids so I can't imagine-how-you-do-it!!




I never really mean to use the NKD.  Why do I invoke it?

But it does make me wonder:  do people with kids have their own disclaimer running through their heads?  When you hear someone without kids complaining about not sleeping or being busy, do you thing gee, and you don't even have kids, you lazy nitwit?  

If I was dead....

....I hope my students would be notified in person and not by email.  Or by text.

I mean, seriously.



(although at least I wouldn't have to pay back my student loans or finish all this grading.....not sure which is better!)

A message to all the new professors

It gets better.

Don't get me wrong; it isn't that things get easier.  Professors are still overworked and (especially at PUIs) underpaid.


But it does get better.


When I first started teaching, it took me about four hours (sometimes more!) to prepare a one-hour lecture.  Now my prep time is a third of that.  Sure, the "free" time is now filled with committee work, various meetings, and research.... but that sure beats staring at a textbook, willing everything to fall into place for the morning's lecture.


Today was one of those days where I surprised myself with how efficient I can be.  It's nice to have a measure of how far I've come since my first day on the job.  How do you measure your progress?

I'm going to go hide in my office now....

They're easy to spot.

They need a few minutes of quiet after getting in to work.  They might love teaching, but after a 60 minute lecture or two, they are drained--mentally and physically.  They might prefer to eat lunch alone to get some more energy before the next lecture or meeting.  They need time at home to recharge for the next day.


It's the introverted professors!!


(Raise your hand if you are utterly drained from your first day of classes....and not just because of your workload.)

Be Sure to Put the "U" in Scheduling

There's one truth about me that pretty much tells you everything you need to know:

I truly, deeply, genuinely enjoy writing up my semester's schedules.

I love inputing all the course due dates into my calendar, and I get a teeny, tiny thrill whenever I get my various courses' assignments to align (which takes just a little more manipulation than, say....getting all the planets to align).


But here is something that no one told me when I first started teaching.  You have to put yourself before the schedule.

Rather than just think about placement of assignment due dates--what is best for the students?-- it is important to think about how and when it is best for you to be grading the assignments (or exams).  The primary scheduling criterion I now consider is when will I want (and be able) to efficiently grade assignments.  Do I want to be grading on the weekend?  Do I really want my two different courses to generate 70+ exams at the same time?  Is it best to grade over holiday breaks, or would I rather get the grading done before my days off?

Perhaps these are really obvious considerations, but I sure wish someone had told me to think about ME when I planned out my syllabi schedules!!

My house, my home

I am seriously diggin' me some Young House Love.  I am not a Do-it-yourself-er, but I really like the idea of making my house my HOME---even by the smallest changes.

YHL helps remind me that big changes aren't required to make a big difference.

Hmmm...perhaps I should apply that same mentality to my office?  After all, I'm pretty sure I spend more waking hours in my office than in my home!

At-bat songs for professors

Unfortunately, I've been watching a lot of baseball lately.  While I find the sport rather dull, I think there is one aspect of baseball that would really benefit our students: the at-bat song.

You know that moment when you first walk into the lecture room at the start of the semester?  Think about how many more orders of magnitude of awesomeness it would be if you were accompanied by 10 seconds of "Crazy Train!"


What would be your classroom at-bat song?

Culinary truths

Gorgonzola makes everything taste better.

When your reputation precedes you

Once you get a reputation as a bad teacher, is there any way to change it?  Or are students always going to write you off from the beginning?

I have a colleague who has quite the reputation for being rude to students, unapproachable during office hours, and disorganized in the classroom. Students complain to me about him all the time (I just put on my I-support-my-colleagues face).  His ratemyprofessor is full of student rants and, truth be told, some fairly logical, well-supported complaints.  Students start the semester knowing his reputation, and I wonder if that fact alone is the biggest contributor to their low opinion of him-- not his actual actions in the classroom.

So is a frowny face on ratemyprofessor too much to overcome?  Are there any strategies that professors can employ to turn around a reputation?

Academic appearances

I've been pondering my wardrobe options lately.

Does it matter what you wear in the classroom?  What about to faculty meetings?  Do people even notice?

Certainly our student take note of what we wear (I know I did when I was an undergrad).  Are jeans okay on a prof?  Does it make a difference if you are at a research institution or a PUI?  What about faculty rank?

Do appearances matter to anyone, or am I just entering into my annual I'm-going-to-overthink-everything phase?

Touch screens completely ick me out

I don't care how cool iPhones look.  Touch screens are gross.  They show all my grimy fingerprints, and they make me feel like I have giant, stubby fingers.


(It's been one of those kind of days.)

Battling the heat wave

It's days like these that make me look forward to the winter slush.  How do you get through the summer burn?  My brain is scrambled, and I have the beginnings of a sunburn.

My summer choice for combating the escalating temperatures?

More experiments in the cold room.

Why it is awesome being female (at a conference)

As you all probably have guessed by now, I'm woefully behind in my blog reading.

Luckily, I did manage to catch a semi-recent post by The Prodigal Academic about why it is awesome to be a female attending male-dominated conferences.

TPA points out that there are no bathroom lines when you are one of a handful of women at a conference.  So true!  In fact, at a recent conference, another conference attendee (a rock star Big Name) was so surprised to have someone else walk into the bathroom (me), that we actually struck up a conversation....which led to talking about my research with my students.  Awesome.

The second advantage that TPA lists is that, as a minority presenter, you are more easily remembered later in the day.

The third deals with presenting while pregnant.  You can read it for yourself, since it doesn't pertain to me (whew).

The fourth is my favorite because it happens to be true AND I had never really thought about it before:

4. You are easier to find in the crowd, so it is easier to run into old friends and colleagues at coffee breaks without necessarily prearranging things.  (link)

And TPA's fifth advantage to attending a male-dominated conference?  Well, let's just say it deals with getting free stuff.


So what about it?  Are there more advantages that should be added to The Prodigal Academic's list?  Or do the wee annoyances (you know, like being asked eight times in one afternoon if you REALLY are a presenter and not a vendor representative) outweigh these benefits?

Academic workers' comp

"What did you do?  Poke yourself with a pencil?  Massive paper cut?"  My mother laughed after I told her I got injured at work last week.

This particular injury of mine was quite the gusher.  It was a pretty dumb injury, so I didn't bother going to the ER (although it probably could have used a stitch or two).

Dumbness aside, it actually WAS work-related.  And I've had students do all kinds of things to themselves in lab (mostly unintentionally).

What's the worst on-the-job injury you've seen/had?  And does anyone take it seriously when you come home and say "honey, I hurt myself in the classroom....again" ?

Stop telephonin' me!

I recently went to lunch with a friend of mine, Mark, who is a high school teacher.  Our conversation eventually led to a discussion of students and cell phones.

"I used to give my cell number to my students," Mark said.  "But now kids have no sense of boundaries.  They call late at night, or they text early on weekends."

Does he have a point?  When we only had land lines, I would never have dared call someone at home earlier than 9 am or later than 10 pm.  With cell phones, is it safe to assume that everyone puts their phones on silent at night?  Is it okay to call at any hour of the day without fear of bothering the call recipient?

Does telephone etiquette exist anymore?

You can take the girl out of academia....

Last week I paid a visit to my mom and pop.  They are considering downsizing, so I had to go through quite a few boxes from my schoolhouse days.

I enjoyed spending time with my parents, particularly since it got me away from work for a few days.  Work has been a little hectic lately, and I've been doing a lot of writing-- especially with collaborators.  One of my collaborators doesn't appear to believe in such silly conventions as grammatical rules.  And so I edit.  And edit.  And edit.

I decided I wasn't going to work when I visited my parents.  As I picked through a box labeled "Unreaction--elementary school", I came upon a poem my ten-year-old self had written to my mother.  I frowned, noting a grammatical error.

Sigh.  I guess I just can't help playing the editor... even if the writer is myself.  Twenty years ago.

True independence

Some of you celebrate the 4th.  Some of you celebrate the 1st.  Others celebrate on other dates.


My Independence Day will always be the day I finally deposited my thesis.  I celebrate with a stiff drink, of course.


What/when/how do you celebrate your independence?

Magic numbers

People say that three's a crowd, it takes two to tango, and one is the loneliest number.

But what's the magic number when it comes to publications?

How many pubs do you need to get tenure?  When I ask around, the answer varies.  At my PUI, I've heard anywhere from one up to five as the magic number that will ensure a worry-free pass on the research front.

My favorite response so far?  "Enough.  You need enough."


Maybe there isn't one magic number for publications.  But it does make me wonder: is there a national standard for demonstrating publishing prowess?

Did you check your bra today?

I ask women that (in my head, of course) multiple times a day.


A student comes to office hours in a thin, white top and dark bra.

A departmental secretary... um.... doesn't have enough coverage.  And it is cold.

A colleague sits at a meeting with her oxford shirt gaping in between buttons, revealing.....um....everything.


Why is it so hard to check the state of one's undergarments in the morning?

Reviewing friends

Apparently I have more friends than I thought.

'Cause get what just popped into my inbox?  A grant review request from an agency for a friend.  And not a conference buddy friend.  An actual, we-got-educated-together (not in that way, you sick bastard) friend.

I know, especially with the size of academia, that I would review a grant or paper for a friend eventually.

I just didn't think it would be this soon.

Or potentially have to be a negative review.

Finding friends

To be completely honest, I've been having a bit of a mid-tenure crisis this semester.  My attempts at seeking balance have crashed and burned.  I need some separation of work and life.

I know this is a common question, but my current state of affairs requires it:



How do you meet people outside of academia if church is not an option?



I know this brings me to a whole new level of pathetic, but why couldn't there be a friendmatch.com?  Or a matchmaking club for friendships?

Chicken vs. eggs

I've been in a documentary state of mind.

Last week, I only lasted six minutes into the bad science of Food Matters.

I immediately followed that with Babies, a French film with no narration.  I couldn't stop watching the infants as they cooed, gurgled, and pooped for the next 79 minutes.

Seriously.


Is this a sign that my biological clock is getting wound up?

Faculty Meeting Rule #4

If you are going to show up 15 minutes late to faculty meeting, please don't show up with a Starbucks coffee and sandwich in hand.    And then proceed to consume them.  In the front row.

Those of us who were on time mostly haven't had lunch either.  At least eat your food before showing up late.

Shifting weekend aspirations

What was I most looking forward to this weekend?  Seeing the bottom of the laundry bin and the top of my washer.

A domestic goddess I am not.

If you had told me ten -- hell, even five -- years ago that domestic duties would top my weekend brag list, I'm not sure if I would have laughed or cried.

But here I am today.

A professor that moonlights as a crappy housewife.  Hmm....I wonder what the next five years will bring?

School's out for summer!

It's been a rough semester for me.  Lots of school things.  Lots of unbloggable things.

But!

It is summer!

While some consider spring to be a time of renewal, I think summer is really where it's at.  Without classes or committee meetings to distract me, I can think about new teaching strategies and make significant research progress.  Spring cleaning?  Forget about it-- I've got too many piles of exams and lab reports.  Summer cleaning is more my style.

So let's kick off the summer right.  What are you hoping to get accomplished this summer?  Getting that paper out?  Planning a new course?  Making some moolah teaching summer school?   Finding some balance with a nice vacay or staycation?  Share your plans below (or link to your post).  I'll round 'em up later this week.

Faculty Meeting Rule #3

Don't look surprised when your cell phone goes off.

You are a teacher, for fuck's sake; you make your students turn their ringers off for lecture, so do the DUH thing and turn yours off before a meeting.

Multiple choice exams: good, bad, or just ugly?

I survived Gradefest 2011.

Barely.

I clearly need to work on strategies to become more efficient at grading.  One (perhaps obvious) solution would be to implement multiple choice...  but I am not sure how I feel about multiple choice exams.

I am pretty sure how my students feel about them (we hatesssss it).


Are multiple choice final exams okay?  What about if you haven't given multiple choice exams throughout the semester?  Are there better ways to evaluate students that won't break the grading bank?

Kids vs. dogs (or kid owners vs. dog owners)

It occurred to me the other day that I have never seen a puppy sonogram posted as a facebook profile picture.

GMP recently wrote a post entitled, "Of Dogs and Kids and Judgement Abound."  It might be my favorite post ever.


I don't have kids.  I don't particularly plan to have kids.

I *do* have a dog.  I do refer to my dog as my child, largely to remind my kid-owning colleagues that yes, although I am sans children, I do not always need to be the one representing the department at evening or weekend college events.

So who are more annoying: people with dogs or people with kids?  Is it ever okay to consider your pet your child?

Extreme science couponing

There is a show on TV called Extreme Couponing.  I have no idea what it is about (couponing, I suppose), but in the promo spots, the host looks blissfully happy as she tosses coupons up into the air.

How lovely would it be to be so happy about science purchases?  Where are my coupons for buy one pipet box, get one free?

Of course, if I tossed Fisher catalogs around with such enthusiasm, not only would my students have final confirmation that I've lost it, but I'd likely end up with a concussion.  Or two.


What would be your ideal coupon?

Are you an above average professor?

...or do you at least THINK you are?

I recently heard on CNN that 96% of college professors think they are above average teachers.

Ha, I thought.  I know I am above average.


But based on what?   I have student evaluations and peer evaluations that say I am above average.  But how do I *know* that I am above average if I don't get to see others' evaluations?


How do you know an above average prof from an average prof?  Or  (gulp!) a below average professor?

Making progress on resolutions

I'm only making a tiny amount of progress towards my science resolution, but I *am* happy to report that I am slowly making my way towards my life resolution for 2011 (read X books by NYE 2011).

Before I got my e-reader (I went with the nook, since I got it as swag at a conference), I read the following in print:

1.  My Life in France by Julia Child (which I posted about earlier)

2.  The Buccaneers by Edith Wharton.   This was her last novel, and she did not finish it before she died.  Here, Marion Mainwaring completed it.  Surprisingly, it was the first quarter that was tedious, not the last.  One of my favorite quotes, somewhat ironically, came from the first part (p 160, Penguin Books)

Hector Robinson looked curiously at this girl, who might have been pretty in less goddess-like company, and who spoke with such precocious wisdom on subjects delicate to touch.  "By Jove, she's make a good wife for an ambitious man," he thought.  He did not mean himself....

3.  Vector by Robin Cook.  I was at my parents', and I was desperate.  Don't judge.

(but you CAN, however, feel free to judge the various chick lit offerings I pick up for plane flights....more below)

4.  everyone worth knowing by Lauren Weisberger.  Chick lit...  very light chick lit.  (same author as the devil wears prada, so it was actually written fairly well)

5.  Little Earthquakes by Jennifer Weiner.  Takes about three different women's birth stories and the paths they take after they have the little rugrats.  (And contrary to the opinion of my family, NO, my ovaries did not twitch upon reading about all the babies.  Bleah.)  I would recommend this, although it is chick lit.

6.  The Mark of the Angel by Nancy Huston.  She wrote it in French and then translated it herself into English.  It is set in Paris in the 50s, and everyone is still reeling from the war.  A Parisian, a German, and a Hungarian are all....involved.    (from pg 38, Vintage International)

Whether he was acting impulsively or not, whether she had ulterior motives or not, the threads of their destinies are now irrevocably intertwined-- since, though neither knows it yet, the young German woman and her French husband are expecting a child.  A new human being, the genetic mix of these two highly disparate individuals, is already underway....

7.  a sort of homecoming by Robert Cremins.  This is an Irish coming-of-age story.  The main character was appallingly arrogant, and I almost didn't complete it.  But I did.

8.  Summer Sisters by Judy Blume.  NOT for kids.  Another coming-of-age story.


So in 2011, to date I have read eight books in print.  And on the nook?  Several more, so far.  I'll save those for another post.


How are your resolutions going?  Any good book suggestions?

The assignment that will not die

This semester has been....ugh.

Grading has really gotten the best of me.  I generally grade in the evenings, and, by steadily plodding through, I have generally taken a week to get exams and assignments back.

But there is this one assignment that is piled in a precarious stack on the edge of my desk.


I've had this assignment on my desk for five weeks.   Five.  Weeks.  

Partly this is because this particular assignment is extremely tedious to grade.  (And I *have* returned graded work in the meantime.)


My students seem okay with this.  I think in part this is because are fairly understanding of the sheer amount of grading I have brought upon myself.

I have also heard that some other faculty only return an assignment after 8 weeks or not at all.


Jeez.  At least I'm not that bad.   [Yet.]



 I *have* to get this assignment back to my students this week, at least for my own peace of mind.  What is the longest you have taken to get graded work back to students?  What is an acceptable return range?

The machine or instrument that must DIE!

Over the years, I have had many an instrument or machine nemesis.  My aging laptop, the ornery HPLC, the $^&*# fax machine..... the list can go on.

And now?

The photocopier must DIE.




What would YOU most like to take out to a field and beat with a baseball bat?

Are you your office?

Some say that their office is a reflection of themselves.

By this time in the semester, my office looks pretty rough.  Piles of papers precipitously rest on top of the filing cabinet.  My shelf of flair (random gifts from undergrads) needs to be reorganized.  Various textbooks rest on the floor rather than the bookshelf.  Candy wrappers are a common sight.


If I am my office, I'm a slightly disheveled teenager.


What does your office say about you?

Nook it or book it?

While I take a moment to ponder the on-going comments on summer salaries, I thought I'd bring up another pressing issue in my life: to book it or nook it?

I've been actively pursing my research and life new year's resolutions.  While my research resolutions aren't going so well, I am happy to report that I am kicking ass at life.... or at least my life-related resolution of reading X books in 2011.

Is it time to bite the bullet and get a Kindle?  Or a nook?  Or some other reader?


Anyone have strong feelings about Kindles, Nooks, or books?

I want something that lets me download books cheaply and re-read them.  Go.

How do you get a summer salary?

As I've written previously, I do not get a summer salary.


Would I like more money?  Obviously.

I have two options to get a summer salary:

1.  teach

2.  Write and receive a grant that can include my summer salary.



Many of my colleagues do not seek out summer funding.  They then refuse to work in the summer because they aren't being paid.  I don't have that luxury.  I need to work in the summer to get enough research done.


It is challenging finding funding for a PUI's summer salary.  Sure, I can write and hope to get (after two or three re-submits?) a giant grant to Big Funding Agency.  But are there other sources of summer money for PUI profs?

Do your parents "get" you?

I have a lot of friends in various stages of the tenure process at PUIs around the country.  In contrast, only a handful of my friends/acquaintances are at research institutions.

One friend in particular has had quite the productive academic career already (and I mean pro-duc-tive!).  I have no doubt that many accolades and awesomeness are in store for him.

The other day, we were chatting about some of his academic successes.  A thought popped into my head, forcing me to interrupt our conversation.  "Do your parents understand what you do?"  I asked.  "Do they fully appreciate your achievements?"

I often wonder about the relationship of such research rock stars with their parents.  Do their parents understand the rock star nature of their kids' careers?  I have to wonder, as I don't have that problem.

This is a result of:

1.  My parents are in academia.

2.  I'm not a research rock star.  Duh.


But seriously, what is up?  For those of you with non-academic parents, do you have to constantly explain your work?  Or do you just not discuss it?  And isn't that weird?

What will we lock up next?

Today, driving around Conference City, I saw a car with a padlocked gas tank.

Wuh-what?

Is this normal?



I've considered padlocking the -80 freezer in the lab, but I've never thought to padlock my vehicle.


What needs to be padlocked the most in your life?

Faculty Meeting Rule #2

If you insist on knitting during faculty meeting, then understand that a (significant, depending on institution) portion of the rest of the faculty is silently judging you (and, depending on institution, likely the rest of the female faculty).

Those "knitting circle" comments?  Not intended to be a compliment.

Measuring the semester

This morning, I was wondering where the semester had gone.  What have I been doing with my time?

As I pondered the passing days, I glanced down at my hands.  The sides of my fingers and my forearm are stained red.

Oh, that's right, I remembered.  I've been spending the semester GRADING.




Yes, my lovelies, I've been in grading hell.  You can measure my semester by the spent red pens in the wastebasket.


By what do you measure YOUR semester?  Empty pipet boxes?  Drained ink cartridges?

Faculty Meeting Rule #1

No matter how many times a senior faculty member insist that it is okay, if you are junior faculty do NOT voice your opinion at faculty meeting.

Oh, for the love of punctuation

I have noticed "recently" that I have begun using the dreaded "extraneous" quotation marks.


And I "supposedly" know my grammar, like, really gooder than most "people."





Are quotation marks a sign that I am starting to lose it??!

Choose your own adventure

Have you ever woken up from recalling a vivid dream and then had it stick with you ALL. DAY. LONG?

Have you ever had a dream that flipped back and forth from first to third person, so much so, that ALL. DAY. LONG. you second-guess if the event really happened? (although, deep down, you absolutely know that it didn't).

Have you ever had a dream that played out the Other Possibility?  The what-might-have-happened-if.... option?

Have you every had that dream reoccur three times in 10 days?




Yeah, I totally haven't, either.




Sweet dreams, friends.

Smoking confession

I think less of students who smoke.  I don't understand why, in this day of Febreeze and good ventilation, that they drag themselves into class smelling of ashtrays.


I am puzzled by why my colleagues, who have advanced degrees and supposedly know better, maintain such a disgusting habit.  Why must you sit next to me at faculty meeting?  I don't even have to deal with such smells at bars anymore.  Can't I ban smoking at school, too?


Yes, I judge you for your cancer stick puffing.  Slap a patch on it already.

Most appropriate professorial accessory: pacifier or zit cream?

On one of my recent posts, Dr. McFabulous compared my facebook usage to that of an "exhibitionist teenager."

That got me thinking.

*Am* I like a teenager?    It's true that I have the occasional zits and emotional outbursts.

Come to think of it, so do some of my colleagues.  Perhaps professors are like teenagers!  Certainly some might argue that the seating arrangements at faculty meetings evoke that of a high school cafeteria.  We can be moody, detached, and--dare I say?-- hormonal.

Or perhaps faculty are more like babies, with their temper tantrums of very vocal demands?

Are your colleagues more similar to college seniors, those burned out darlings who have a penchant for not giving a shit and being very vocal about it?


So what do you think?  Are professors mature members of society?  Or are we more similar to our students than some would like to admit?

To Prius or Not to Prius

I'm thinking of taking the big plunge.


For the first time in eight years, I'm contemplating buying a new-to-me car.


I want a small, four-door car with good gas mileage.  I'm willing to go electric.  Or partial.  Or whatever.

I'm going to trade in my current small, four-door car with good gas mileage, and I'm willing to pay cash.  (Frugal Professor is frugal.)


Suggestions?

I promise not to send you crap

Anyone else on FB seeing lots of those really effin' stupid status updates about crafts?


I am not crafty.  But I  would love all of my FB friends to send me their crafts.  Without having to do anything in return.


So I suppose my status update will have to look like this:


Pay it forward 2011:  I promise NOT to send something homemade to the first five people who leave a comment here.  To be eligible, you must repost this status, offering the same thing to five other people.



In other news, has everyone stocked their liquor cabinets in preparation for the spring semester?

How much would you sleep?

If you had no life obligations, how much would you sleep?


I've had Puppy for more than a year.  Puppy sleeps ALL THE TIME.  Except when chasing squirrels, an activity that I, obviously fully support.


It makes me wonder: if I didn't have to scavenge for my own food, bathe myself, take myself on a walk, and have a job that requires a few more skills than just "ability to shatter squirrels," how much would *I* sleep?

At the end of the semester, I conk out for eleven or twelve hours.  What if that is my true sleep requirement?   I shudder to think how sleep deprived I am on most days!  Do you think my lectures are better on or off sleep?

Worst shows on television

I nominate $#*! My Dad Says. 






Your turn.

Are men more germy than women?

Perhaps I'm biased*, but I think that men are worse germ spreaders than women.  

Discuss.

*Because N.A. gets me sick ALL.  THE.  TIME.

PSA: Don't status update your job interviews

Like, srsly.

I have watched many a grad student or postdoc inform all of their Facebook acquaintances the status of their job search.  The academic world is small, my friends.  Privacy settings or not, what the hell are these people thinking?

I used to message these "friends" of mine to point out the error of their ways, but I've since given up.  Besides, it can be somewhat entertaining, particularly when you suspect that two of your FB friends are dueling for the same positions.



Some keep it vague: "I've got my first interview!"

Others feel compelled to list locations: "Goin' to the midwest and then the east coast for interviews.  In ONE WEEK!  What what!"

A few on my list name the actual schools.  That turned them down.  "Guess PrestigiousU is going to be missing out on one AMAZING prof this fall.  Losers."



What.  The.  Facebook.

Squirrels are taking over

...but you already knew that.

At the library, there are skylights above the study carrels.   These study spaces are my refuge, a little oasis of quiet surrounded by slightly musty books.  I can hide from students (and faculty) here.  I get my writing done here.

The squirrels are on to me.  And just like they have done to everything else that is good and perfect in this world, squirrels set out to destroy my perfect writing spot.

The squirrels run to and fro across the skylights.  What would be little pitter-patters on a normal skylight become giant, migraine-inducing thumps on these oversized plastic architectural "features".

The little rodents ignore my glares.  In fact, an especially fat one likes to sit in the middle of it, giving me a great few of his, um...stuff...as he eats...well....nuts.

Today I made a swiping motion at the little fattie.  Enough!  I will not let these squirrels ruin my happy place!

I swear he appeared to smile at me in jest before scampering away.



Leaving behind a pool of squirrel pee.



Bastard.

My Life in France

Thanks to a bit of a hangover and lackluster bowl match-ups,  I've completed my first book of 2011.  I am well on my way to New Year resolution success!

I just finished reading My Life in France by Julia Child (with Alex Prud'homme).  Even if you have seen the movie, it is still a surprising, delightful read.  Her love for her husband is inspirational, and I love how her joy for life is evident in each sentence.

Here is an example, from page 77 of Anchor Book's paperback version:

Usually one's cooking is better than one thinks it is.  And if the food is truly vile, as my ersatz eggs Florentine surely were, then the cook must simply grit her teeth and bear it with a smile-- and learn from her mistakes.

Almost makes me want to get into the kitchen!

My New Year gift to you

As some of you nurse your hangovers (CPP, I'm looking at you, darlin'), here's something to take the edge off.  I should warn you, however, that if you are prone to high blood pressure, you might want to save this link for another day:  Retraction Watch.


What a depressing year for retractions!  (Or great year, depending on your POV.)



Enjoy.  Time for me to get cracking on my first book of 2011.  I suspect that this first selection will go by quickly.

UR 2010 in Review!!

What a year!  (If you are really bored, here is 2009 and 2008.)



January:  Credit goes to all over the freakin' blogosphere, such as here and here and here.  (From "2009 Year in Review")


February: There is perhaps nothing more entertaining to students than a professor teaching under the influence of lots of cold medication. (From "Teaching under the influence?")


March: The hiring process is not fun on either side. (From "Googling candidates")


April: Last year, as many of you know, I was a visiting ass. at a small college. (From "Visiting Vixens")


May: I'm pretty low maintenance. (From "Taming the Talons")


June: Yes, prior to class so they/I can write on them.  (From "Should powerpoints be available to students?")


July: I hope all you Canucks out there had a great one! (From "Happy Canada Day!")


August: The Prodigal Academic has a great post up about the current state of the job market. (From "dying for your work?")


September: The reason I blog is _________________. (From "Friday fill in the blanks: why do you blog?")


October: The highlight of my week was _____________. (From "Friday fill in the blanks: the high point of the week")


November: The dumbest thing I saw this week was ______________ . (From "Friday fill in the blanks: that's pretty dumb")


December: This past weekend, something happened for the first time since October. (From "At clothing capacity?")




Was 2010 memorable?