Can you hate your spouse?

"There are moments where I really dislike my husband," my friend mused over lunch.

"I might even hate him in the moment.   But I still love him.  Is this going to work?"


Well, what do you think?  Are relationships supposed to be smooth sailing, or can the captain sometimes hate his first mate?

Reviewing friends

Apparently I have more friends than I thought.

'Cause get what just popped into my inbox?  A grant review request from an agency for a friend.  And not a conference buddy friend.  An actual, we-got-educated-together (not in that way, you sick bastard) friend.

I know, especially with the size of academia, that I would review a grant or paper for a friend eventually.

I just didn't think it would be this soon.

Or potentially have to be a negative review.

Are scientists romantic?

The other day, I was talking with a friend (yes, an academic one, although a non-scientist) about relationships.

My friend complained that her husband wasn't romantic anymore, one year into their marriage. I commented that I wasn't a terribly romantic person, so I couldn't really expect N.A. to be romantic.

"Well, of course you're not romantic!" She laughed.

I arched an eyebrow in question.

"You can't be romantic-- you're a scientist!!"

Oh. Glad we straightened that one out.

True, my idea of a romantic gesture is for N.A. to turn off his blackberry so we can watch a movie vibration-free.

But surely some true romantics--who happen to be of the scientific persuasion-- are out there?

Right?

I've arrived?

Well, after driving through many, many states and a time zone or two, I've finally arrived in my new (permanent?) state. I've started my new (permanent?) faculty position at my new (permanent?) university. And now I will now forever jinx my two-body solution and call this new place PermaU.

With the switch to PermaU comes an even bigger change in my life: N.A. and I are officially living together. One lease, one place.

We've both had to abandon our bachelor lifestyles. For me, this means no more meals of snickers and crackers. N.A. has started accepting that boxes are not furniture. N.A. has had to adjust to a morning carpool schedule, while I have to stop going to bed at 2 am.

Laundry is done every few days (as opposed to a five load marathon every three weeks). I can't let dishes pile up until I run out of spoons. (I mean....um...yeah, I never did that.) Toilet seats are put down. Closets are shared.


Hmmm....what other lifestyle adjustments will we have to make?

Public Displays of Affection

I've never been a fan of most public displays of affection. I don't need to see two people swapping tonsil inspections. Awkward stroking makes me uncomfortable. Please don't touch me around coworkers.

But one PDA that I find absolutely adorable is when a couple takes a walk while holding hands.

I don't know if its the fact that TempCollege Village had wonderful, sunshiny weather or the fact that spring is officially not too far away, but today, the hand-holding couples were out in full force. Dozens and dozens of couples walking their dogs and holding hands.

Is hand-holding a big thing in your town? I've gone months without seeing any non-student holding hands. What is up?

A Pair of Packrats

Well, after spending the last hour in the basement with N.A., it seems that we have another thing in common: we are both terrific pack rats.

We had the typical things to go through. I voted to save all the religious stuff (he did not really want to), while he wanted to save all the school projects and boy scout stuff (which I wanted to chuck). Here's how it panned out:

Communion book (save). Teenage mutant ninja turtle action dolls (save....sigh). Baseball cards (save...double sigh). Binder of all emails sent to and received from previous girlfriend (toss). 8th grade school project (toss). Yearbooks (save). Microscope from 1960 (save). Boy scout handbook (save...sigh). ....and so on.


Over Christmas, my mom was prodding me to go through several boxes of old things as well, so it's not like I'm any better. (However, thanks to her ruthless yard sale skillz, Mom has gotten rid of most of the old toys and books already.) At least now I can get N.A. to help me go through them (woohoo for precedents!).

Once we have a house, I think N.A. and I are going to have to make it a yearly (or better yet, semesterly) tradition to take a half-day to try to declutter. Just imagine where our packrat tendencies could lead us once we have a little N.A. or UR! (I'm thinking only one thing here: storage unit!!)

Chillaxin' in the New Year

Perhaps nothing is more encouraging about a relationship than meeting the "in-laws" and realizing that

1. I am very comfortable with these people and
2. These people are awesome.

I've met N.A.'s family before. This is my second time in N.A.'s state, but my first holiday. I've been eating awesome food. I can sit with them and blog. I've slept 10 hours, 10.5 hours, and 11 hours in the last three days, respectively. Waking up at noon elicits no judgement from them.

Yuck, do I really have to start spring semester soon?

How do you fare with the in-laws (or "in-laws")? Did you ring in 2009 with them?

Wedded Bliss...?

N.A. and I have only been dating about half a year, but we are both old enough (and..um...mature enough?) to know that what we've got is a good thing. The M word has come up because neither of us believed that it would be worth the emotional (and financial, for that matter) strain to put us through a long distance relationship if we didn't think that we might one day make the ultimate commitment (and I don't mean sharing a cell phone plan).

Still, I'm a practical person. I've never been one of those girly-girls who day dream about their wedding day. I don't know if it's all the nesting I've been doing as I get settled or just the TempCollege Village water, but the other night, all I could see was Wedding!

It started innocently enough. The book I'm reading has illustrations each chapter. Since it's about a wedding dress designer, the pictures have to do with dress designs. Curious about the neckline pictures, I googled one of them (portrait). 20 minutes of dress browsing later, I was startled by my cell ringing.

"What're you up to, sweetheart?" (yes, N.A. calls me that).

"Uh...uh..." I reluctantly admitted my embarrassing googlings, but insisted that it didn't mean anything. Needy wedding-crazed woman I am not.

My explanation was met with silence. After a minute or so of that, N.A. finally spoke. "Well, I wasn't going to say anything, but today, during my driving tour, we stopped at this great reception hall and I got a brochure. I know it's silly, but I wanted to look through it."

From there, he directed me to the hall's website. That quickly led to us searching together (via cell phone on our respective MacBook Pros) for caterers which of course led to the discussion of appropriate flower decorations for the church. We were just starting to discuss the guest list when we both abruptly stopped. We were laughing too hard to continue. What were we thinking? We weren't even engaged, so what the hell were we talking about?!?


Okay, so we got wrapped up in the moment. But how refreshing to be dating someone that isn't afraid of commitment!

Now if we could only commit to dates for a weekend meet-up....

Let the games begin!

And by games I mean the start of our long distance relationship / two-body problem.

N.A. leaves in the morning (and by morning I mean 4 am).

Given how not in sync our respective faculty training schedules / start of classes are, we won't be able to see each other until at least Labor Day, if not later.


:(

growing pains

I have less than two weeks remaining at LargeU. I feel behind on everything. Although N.A. took a lot of my stuff to Tenure Track state, I still have lots of odd 'n' ends, books, and clothes that need to get packed. I haven't touched my desk at work (at which I spend at least 10 hours a day as my wet lab work has been nonexistent for the last nine months or so). And don't even get me started on how much stuff I have to clean in the wet lab, including at least 50 buffer bottles left behind by Undergrad (which is a story in and of itself).

Coworker (actually, all of them) are in total freakout mode due to a combination of several of us leaving as well as The Boss being out of town for several weeks. This means that I had to go in all day Saturday and Sunday (not that uncommon though) in order to get caught up. Forget getting a paper written this summer; I'll be lucky just to get through the data.

And to top it all off, N.A. and I can't seem to get back to Normal Communication. Instead, we both overreact to everything the other says. I can hear myself getting shrill, and it even annoys me, but I can't seem to stop. I know that part of it is due to complete exhaustion from sleep deprivation and the other is reacting to his sudden announcement that he is leaving this weekend (THIS weekend!). I'm freaking out because I don't want him to leave while we're having all these spats.

In reality, I shouldn't be freaking out about packing, my work, or N.A. I should be enjoying my last time as a grad student / post doc. I should be getting ready for my first faculty position. I should be playing around with my new camera (Nikon D80! Woot, woot, as my students would say).

Instead, I feel myself slipping. Sure, The Boss is happy with my results, and N.A. and I will get through this. But come three weeks from now, when I'm at TempCollege all by myself, I know I'm going to regret how we're leaving things.

Hi, I'm an ISFJ

A recent miscommunication between myself and N.A. stirred up a memory from my college days. I had a roommate that had a fondness for myers-brigg type analysis. In fact, in my first week of living with her, she had me take the test to find out my personality type. (you can take a similar one here). I laughed at the time, but comparing our results actually did give good insight into how to peacefully coexist in very cramped, state-designed quarters. So N.A. and I sat down at our respective laptops and clicked on our answers.

Back then and now, my results indicate that I am an ISFJ, the nurturer (although this page would call me the martyr). As taken from personalitypage.com: "Quiet, kind, and conscientious. Can be depended on to follow through. Usually puts the needs of others above their own needs. Stable and practical, they value security and traditions. Well-developed sense of space and function. Rich inner world of observations about people. Extremely perceptive of other's feelings. Interested in serving others."

Yeah, maybe sounds awesome....but here's the downside: sudden moodiness, inability to articulate own feelings, avoider of conflict, sudden outbursts of rage (who...me?), too serious, and, perhaps the kiss of death to a scientist: not a promotor of his/her achievements.

Hmmm....no wonder I'm not sticking around in the higher levels of academia.