I promise I worked really hard!

Is it just me, or does this batch of undergrads seem especially eager to please?  I had a number of students email me at the end of the semester to reiterate (or, in some cases, indicate for the very first time) how hard they worked this semester.

That part I get.  They don't want me to judge them for their low grade, they really did care about my class, etc. etc.

The next part I don't understand.  A significant number of these "hard workers" then go on ask for a grade increase solely based on their effort.


I find that pretty shocking.  Not the part where they think hard work is the only indicator for a grade.  The part where they would actually ASK for a higher grade based on their perceived effort and not product.


I doubt that this is the strangest post-finals request out there.  Get any particularly awesome ones this year?

Do faculty need more vacation time?

When you are a professor at a PUI, you are constantly giving giving giving of yourself to your students.  It's the best job in the world, but, particularly for introverts like me, by the end of the semester you can feel like you've been sucked dry.

Some of my PUI friends get five weeks off for winter break.  I know a few that barely get two weeks.

Winter break is important.  You need to rest.  Get recharged.  Brace yourself for the spring semester.



Is there such a thing as too much winter break?  ....and what is the humane lower limit for time off of school?

Be Sure to Put the "U" in Scheduling

There's one truth about me that pretty much tells you everything you need to know:

I truly, deeply, genuinely enjoy writing up my semester's schedules.

I love inputing all the course due dates into my calendar, and I get a teeny, tiny thrill whenever I get my various courses' assignments to align (which takes just a little more manipulation than, say....getting all the planets to align).


But here is something that no one told me when I first started teaching.  You have to put yourself before the schedule.

Rather than just think about placement of assignment due dates--what is best for the students?-- it is important to think about how and when it is best for you to be grading the assignments (or exams).  The primary scheduling criterion I now consider is when will I want (and be able) to efficiently grade assignments.  Do I want to be grading on the weekend?  Do I really want my two different courses to generate 70+ exams at the same time?  Is it best to grade over holiday breaks, or would I rather get the grading done before my days off?

Perhaps these are really obvious considerations, but I sure wish someone had told me to think about ME when I planned out my syllabi schedules!!

Magic numbers

People say that three's a crowd, it takes two to tango, and one is the loneliest number.

But what's the magic number when it comes to publications?

How many pubs do you need to get tenure?  When I ask around, the answer varies.  At my PUI, I've heard anywhere from one up to five as the magic number that will ensure a worry-free pass on the research front.

My favorite response so far?  "Enough.  You need enough."


Maybe there isn't one magic number for publications.  But it does make me wonder: is there a national standard for demonstrating publishing prowess?

Reviewing friends

Apparently I have more friends than I thought.

'Cause get what just popped into my inbox?  A grant review request from an agency for a friend.  And not a conference buddy friend.  An actual, we-got-educated-together (not in that way, you sick bastard) friend.

I know, especially with the size of academia, that I would review a grant or paper for a friend eventually.

I just didn't think it would be this soon.

Or potentially have to be a negative review.

Are you an above average professor?

...or do you at least THINK you are?

I recently heard on CNN that 96% of college professors think they are above average teachers.

Ha, I thought.  I know I am above average.


But based on what?   I have student evaluations and peer evaluations that say I am above average.  But how do I *know* that I am above average if I don't get to see others' evaluations?


How do you know an above average prof from an average prof?  Or  (gulp!) a below average professor?

The assignment that will not die

This semester has been....ugh.

Grading has really gotten the best of me.  I generally grade in the evenings, and, by steadily plodding through, I have generally taken a week to get exams and assignments back.

But there is this one assignment that is piled in a precarious stack on the edge of my desk.


I've had this assignment on my desk for five weeks.   Five.  Weeks.  

Partly this is because this particular assignment is extremely tedious to grade.  (And I *have* returned graded work in the meantime.)


My students seem okay with this.  I think in part this is because are fairly understanding of the sheer amount of grading I have brought upon myself.

I have also heard that some other faculty only return an assignment after 8 weeks or not at all.


Jeez.  At least I'm not that bad.   [Yet.]



 I *have* to get this assignment back to my students this week, at least for my own peace of mind.  What is the longest you have taken to get graded work back to students?  What is an acceptable return range?

Are you your office?

Some say that their office is a reflection of themselves.

By this time in the semester, my office looks pretty rough.  Piles of papers precipitously rest on top of the filing cabinet.  My shelf of flair (random gifts from undergrads) needs to be reorganized.  Various textbooks rest on the floor rather than the bookshelf.  Candy wrappers are a common sight.


If I am my office, I'm a slightly disheveled teenager.


What does your office say about you?

How do you get a summer salary?

As I've written previously, I do not get a summer salary.


Would I like more money?  Obviously.

I have two options to get a summer salary:

1.  teach

2.  Write and receive a grant that can include my summer salary.



Many of my colleagues do not seek out summer funding.  They then refuse to work in the summer because they aren't being paid.  I don't have that luxury.  I need to work in the summer to get enough research done.


It is challenging finding funding for a PUI's summer salary.  Sure, I can write and hope to get (after two or three re-submits?) a giant grant to Big Funding Agency.  But are there other sources of summer money for PUI profs?

Do your parents "get" you?

I have a lot of friends in various stages of the tenure process at PUIs around the country.  In contrast, only a handful of my friends/acquaintances are at research institutions.

One friend in particular has had quite the productive academic career already (and I mean pro-duc-tive!).  I have no doubt that many accolades and awesomeness are in store for him.

The other day, we were chatting about some of his academic successes.  A thought popped into my head, forcing me to interrupt our conversation.  "Do your parents understand what you do?"  I asked.  "Do they fully appreciate your achievements?"

I often wonder about the relationship of such research rock stars with their parents.  Do their parents understand the rock star nature of their kids' careers?  I have to wonder, as I don't have that problem.

This is a result of:

1.  My parents are in academia.

2.  I'm not a research rock star.  Duh.


But seriously, what is up?  For those of you with non-academic parents, do you have to constantly explain your work?  Or do you just not discuss it?  And isn't that weird?

Most appropriate professorial accessory: pacifier or zit cream?

On one of my recent posts, Dr. McFabulous compared my facebook usage to that of an "exhibitionist teenager."

That got me thinking.

*Am* I like a teenager?    It's true that I have the occasional zits and emotional outbursts.

Come to think of it, so do some of my colleagues.  Perhaps professors are like teenagers!  Certainly some might argue that the seating arrangements at faculty meetings evoke that of a high school cafeteria.  We can be moody, detached, and--dare I say?-- hormonal.

Or perhaps faculty are more like babies, with their temper tantrums of very vocal demands?

Are your colleagues more similar to college seniors, those burned out darlings who have a penchant for not giving a shit and being very vocal about it?


So what do you think?  Are professors mature members of society?  Or are we more similar to our students than some would like to admit?

The syllabus stands alone

When a problem arises with a class, very frequently it can be traced back to the syllabus.  Without crystal clear course and grading policies, there can be wiggle room for students to complain about an eye-boggling array of course-related issues.

Some of my colleagues rely on syllabus amendments.  At some schools, you must have a class vote to make modifications to your syllabus.  Other institutions require department head or dean approval.

I don't make changes to my syllabi.  I ensure that they are air-tight by running them past colleagues, the head of the department, and faculty outside of my department.

I've learned from my syllabus mistakes from the past, and I haven't had any syllabus-related problems in the last year.  With some new preps for me on the horizon, we'll see if I can maintain that streak.

Time to give thanks

It's that time of the year where, like it or not, you're probably going to have to hold hands around a turkey and state for what you're most thankful.

Now imagine if we had to do that at faculty meetings.

Most of the time, not-so-nice things are said at faculty meetings.  Hell, most of the time we DON'T have much for which we can give thanks.

So imagine that you're at a faculty meeting (or group meeting).  Go get an extra piece of pie if it helps.  What do YOU need to give thanks for this year?

Why I hate registration week

In the past two weeks I've received at least 34 variations of the following:

Yo Prof Reaction,
I know that I am number 32 on your wait list, but can I please, please PLEASE get into your class next semester?  My current prof, like, totally sucks, and I've heard that you are SUPER amazing.  I know that I will only do well if I have you because you are, like, sooooo amazing.  I can't possibly still take my other four perfect profs' classes if I'm not in your section.  Please, is there anything I can do to get into your class?  I hope that you will consider moving me ahead of the other students.


Thanks so much,
Undergrad



I've received such pleas via email.  I've had messages left on my voicemail.  The worst by far are the teary pleas made in person.


As a result, in the past two weeks, I've had to deliver at least 34 variations of the following:

Undergrad,
Thank you for your kind words.  If I can find alternative schedules for you  in < 1 minute then no, I do not believe your world will end if you do not have me as your professor next semester.  Otherwise I would definitely move you ahead of the other 31 students ahead of you in line.  I am not sure if your desire to take my class has more to do with your misconceived notion that I am easy or you  are implying that none of my colleagues could possibly teach to the same amazing level that I do.  


I recommend that you enroll in one of the many, many open seats in another section.  


Best,
Dr. Reaction








Okay, so my email replies actually look something like this:

Undergrad,


Thank you for your kind words.  As number 32 on the wait list, it is highly unlikely that you will get into the class.  I suggest that you arrange your schedule to accommodate one of the other open sections of this course.


Best,


Dr. Reaction






Is it winter break yet?

Should professors get mental health training?

As a professor, every day you experience a TMI moment.  Or four.  Students tell us things they haven't yet told their friends or parents.

Like it or not, you're going to be the recipient of a lot more information and emotion than you probably want.  Some situations don't require much of a response.  For example, when students inform me that they have a bladder infection, I really don't need to add much to the conversation.

But what about if a student confides that she is pregnant?  Or getting an abortion?  Or has been assaulted?

What do you do if a student loses a parent?  If a student has a manic episode in lab?  If a student has a psychotic break in your classroom?  If a student is suicidal?

What if a student comes to class belligerently drunk?  Or is disruptive to other students in class?  Or is verbally abusive towards you during a lecture?

I've experienced the majority of these in my relatively short teaching career.  While you can't prepare for every possible teaching or student scenario, a certain amount of preparation and anticipation can go a long way.  Training in proper ways to deal with these situations can go a long way.  Just knowing what office or department to call helps, too.

I've had a lot of training in crisis management.  I have participated in numerous training sessions on how to handle some of the situations I've mentioned above.  At my current institution, very little training if offered on how to deal with problem or troubled students.

I'm wondering if this is true across the board.  Have you received training in how to deal with students who approach you will some of the above issues?  Or do you think profs don't deal with these issues?  Or that we have to?

They're out to get me!

...or so claim my students.


We're at midterms.  A few things are guaranteed to happen.


1.  Advisees will cry in my office.  Daily.

2.  Coworkers will beat the photo copier into submission.  Daily.

3.  Students will claim there is a Great Professor Conspiracy (GPC).


Oooo!  A conspiracy, you say?

Didn't you know that all professors meet, pre-classes, to decide to put exams all on the same day?  No?  You didn't know that all professors not only meet to decide this, but actually ENJOY the pain that this inflicts upon their students?


Yeah.  So this is what a small group of students claim every year.  I'm sure you have some students that propose a similar GPC.  ....right?

Things I Don't Think My Male Coworkers Have to Hear

Some of my coworkers insist that men and women are treated the same at my college.

Really?

'Cause I'm pretty sure my male coworkers have never had any of the following told to them / asked of them:


- I'm glad you don't have kids; you really have your work priorities in order.

- Breast feeding isn't that big of a deal.  You can do the...uh...pump thing in your office just fine.  (Said by a male coworker to a female coworker)

- X (a female) must be hormonal.

-  Why is X (a female) asking for a sabbatical?  Didn't she just get maternity leave a year ago?

- I don't know why X (a female) needs maternity leave.  When my wife had a baby, I was back to work the next week.  (huh??!)

- I can't believe X (a female) would bring her child to work this one time!

- I think X (a male) is AMAZING for bringing his child to work this one time!  What a lucky wife he has!

- Don't have kids until after tenure.  Of course, I legally can't tell you that.  Wink wink.

- Have kids soon before you get too old to carry them.

- Can you go talk to Undergrad (a female) about her boobs?  (Seriously)






Okay, please share.


Oh, and men: please share the things that female coworkers DARE to say to you, if you're feeling brave.

Reality TV mirrors a committee meeting!

I'm on a committee this year that is tasked with implementing a very, very big change for the entire college. There are lots of...um....strong personalities on this committee.

As a junior faculty member, I constantly hear "be seen but not heard!" The way this committee is set up, however, requires that I participate. The trouble is that there is this one committee member (who happens to be male) who is loud, opinionated, and somehow always gets his way. You might even call him a bully.

Man, do I need to borrow Tim Gunn for a day (or at least a morning).

How do you get your voice heard (so to speak) during committee work? Should The Untenured (dum dum DU-UUUUM!) be a silent group, or do you expect your junior faculty to voice their opinions?

Do you labor on Labor Day?

Those of us who don't have classes today get to choose whether or not to go into work. (right?)

I worked about a half day. I got some orders submitted, caught up on lecture notes, finished some grading, and fired off a dozen emails.

Do you take Labor Day off? Or do you view this as an opportunity for a catch-up, free parking day?

Friday Fill in the blanks: start of the semester

You know the semester has started when ___________________.

(You know the semester has started when by 10 am you are already counting down the hours until you can crack open a beer. Or four.)